I don't want to feel like i do anymore. Instead of callusing over my wounds have seem to turned on me and clogged. It gets harder to take news that upsets me, cause me to lose my breath. Makes me overwhelmed to the extent that I feel temporarily suicidal. I don't like when i'm like that cause it ruins anything i have going to for me. If im going out that day i might not even want to anymore. If i'm out then i want out, if im alone i want to sleep till it's gone. I wish i could just go into a coma for a while one day. I know it'd worry people but if i can slip into a sleep and lose all attachment to anything for a solid amount of time would be heaven-sent. But is that as stubborn as wanting to kill myself? To put myself in stasis to escape my responsibilities? Is that just the same as getting myself submitted and losing all them behind the confines of a cold steel bulkhead? They seem the same but are equally relieving to me.
I am a very flawed human being, I know that myself. I get reminders of it when i think about my past. How i fucked this one up or how i messed that thing up. But the biggest mistake that i dwell upon is why didn't i pull harder?
This is incomplete: JUST A SCRAP!
NOTE: THIS IS UPDATE IS HALF OF A OLD RANT & HALF RANT I HAD WHEN I GOT ON HERE. IT'S LONG AND PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE BUT IT DID TO ME AND GAVE ME RELIEF.
sometimes i just wonder how we even came to exist? is this whole existence just one big test?
How could something so big, with so many living entities, and just be there floating in an endless
sea of seemingly nothing? why do some people think they are so powerful? do they not know that under whatever title they hold they are just skin, muscles, and bone? And beyond there title in the grand scheme of the universe they nothing but a speck of dust sitting on top of an inch? With all of us locked up in the same circular cage, how did get so far to create a strict rule list that is solely based on our own logic? how can we all just easily stab a knife into each others back and walk away like all we did was hang out coat up? how did murder become so easy? what, during the duration of our growth, set us up to be ready and able to betray one another? was it mother or father that set it in stone that it was okay? or was it both? or was it just a lesson taught by our times? how did what we spent countless amount of hours sitting in cheap plastic chairs learning about become the stepping stones for our intellectual growth? where did all the power our teacher had come from? when was it right for them to gain the ability to cast away those who learn differently? to classify them under certain light? to separate and divide? how did this all come to be? when did this all come to be seen as right? just? correct? when will my final heartbeat be? what will be the cause of it? will it be nukes? will it be us? will it be them? will it be drowning in our own oceans? will it...
This was in my drafts so i'm going to just write on the "back" of it. Right now i have returned from a night that was amazingly profound. If one thing hurts right now it's my fuckin jaw from just talking so endlessly, clenched from the rapid fire motion. But with every muscle worked the feedback gained from all that made it all the worth it. Tonight was the first night in a series of seriously needed & important nights. Our group together are so tight knit that we can almost sense everything (for certain combination's of people). If that doesn't speak loud enough volumes of brotherhood and loyalty then i don't want to know what does. I want to speak about brotherhood & loyalty for a second: For what was once a brotherhood between the westies and I is truly missed. I regret my retraction from the daily grind of hangouts. With each time i chose to stay home (sheltering myself subconsciously on purpose) and talk to danielle was another inch on the rule measuring me away from the likings of them. It wasn't that i didn't like them anymore but the only thing that kept us together, and i realized this too late, was my consistency to get to Jimmy or Tom's house friday after to spend the remainder of the day&night with them was what helped (poorly, if i might say in retrospect) bridge the distance between East & West. Maybe it was the temporary bliss or culture shock (used to being single -> Dating) that helped ease the distance. But like any pain reliever it can only relieve so much before wearing off, and that's when you are in the worst pain. After dropping from the loving arms of relationships i found myself having to double myself. Which shotly describes my Tom/Thom theory. In a shoddy attempt to fight and/or prevent denial Thom was created. Thom was a Red shirt @ AMC and had a girlfriend whom was thought to be the "bee's knees". Underneath the cement roads ravaging the dirt root roads of Tom, was Tom himself. Buried beneath the debris that Thom so careless sends rocketing everywhere. Till recently Tom has been climbing the momentous colossus Thom's faux royal armor in attempt to overthrow him via killing. But for Tom to kill Thom he'd have to hurt himself in one way or another, weather that be mentally or physically. It's gets all foggy cause I am both of them, I don't think I'm that bad to be considered clinically anything other than the already confirmed ADHD/ADD & Depression. But i honestly feel like my body is going through a civil war. Man v. Himself, would be the theme for my life lately. But this civil war run so much deeper than leaving danielle and what it's positive effects dampening the minuscule negatives, this civil war goes even more deeper in my psyche. It's an uprising of happiness against the oppressive depression, something that is a bigger thing that could be preconceived. They gave me so many pills to take in so many wrong combination and ways, they were basically giving the tools to a leaderless nation or faction. This uprising needed summer, it needed the warmth of what was here way before me and way after me to aid it, nay, to maybe co-lead the revolution itself. If anything (and this might throw you of what little track im giving you right now but..) I was always destined to lead this uprising myself. I just needed some extra morale. Enter left wing: SUMMMER. It's always been there though. As known summer alters our environment (duh) severely compared to winter (double duh). So if summer is just a change in my environment and this battle has been fought for so long that it was just me failing to really notice my surroundings. I cannot recall when i had this epiphany-esque but i know it has no telltale trademarks of a "frozen over" Puddle Town Tom, and double plus so (haha) lest that mean that could ever be realized from Thom coated in his thick delirious malaise. I digress... Summer, environment, visions of my life problems as battle... okay so fighting so much through the continuous and inevitable cycle of seasons blind to the fact that snow, leaf, and heat are just so simply factors of the corresponding seasons but attributes that can very well contribute to the overall mentality of me in whatever season. Some examples: Winter is tightly packed with depression. It comes in a fucking prepackaged bundle. And i know very well that winter does this to a lot to people i know and i know are smart enough to have real breathing emotions to be intangibly and unintentionally manipulated at the same time. But winter to me is a bittersweet season to me, it's almost undecipherable to me with the plethora of results it tosses me. But i can tell you what little i managed to decrypt: It starts off nice. I'm unsure now if the feeling is still the same or a desperate plee for yesteryear's return, but i get intensely jolly. It gets hard to match the caliber of glee the birth or beginning of winter brings me. Starts me off by stuffing me with food(more than i'd averagely eat). Keeping me plump (or to my bodies best effort) for warmth in the winter. nestled inside these devoured treats is the key to the holiday equation "anticipation". Anticipation for John and Jane doe's respective religious day of observance or celebration. I do the christmas thing. Now knowing that it (christmas) has been reformatted to fit the teen->adult jump, i still look forward to what little i receive now. But as soon as you get really hit with holiday cheer it's closer and closer and finally passing. Besides santa not being real the nihilistic outlook that "only the days leading up to big day are the best, cause when it comes you have X amount of time to enjoy it before you are only reminiscing." And when that reality comes true (as it does yearly) thats when the temporary power up of holiday cheer falls down it's trapdoor for the rest of the winter(&year). This can be an easy transition for some, but to others like me (make that seem weak or whatever) it's a hard one. Bringing back the battle visions thing. Winter alone, without support, is an inevitable lose for me. And even me living through it without support does not vow well for whatever is gained or taken out of that depressive period. I can beat the odds when i need to but to be honest i can't do that to much. I mean the time between winters is enough to send some jolts through my thawing body but only for so long before the clock resets and winters pokes it's perplexing face in. But to bring up modern day with my modern day newfound additional strength and source of happiness (with it's also new positive minded Tom mindset), i think i can survive just a little bit better. If things continue to work like this or within this range of greatness then I'm goddamn set for now on the life front. Out of this proclamation only bares the callused wounds upon my body proudly, in hope&promise. Okay im done with this theory stuff, I really just have to say that what im in right now & with the help of friends and someone important i might actually confess on lovin life. I love you. I'm gunna goto sleep and end this rant.
You little shit. i can't believe this is happening. To make it worse with the thing with Danielle & I i get the news today that my dad has been on a constant basis of cheating behind my mothers back...again. To put the cherry on top of this ordeal...i nearly killed myself the first time i heard that he cheated on my mom those horrible fives years ago.You'd think that it'd be common sense that if you were to do something that had such an affect to drive YOUR OWN KIN to attempt kill himself that'd you would never do it again, apparently not for my dad. Whose been doing it non-stop since and before then. I can't even look at him in the face anymore.
To make it worse i'm home, in the warzone, to be able post this. I didn't want to be home at all. I had it all set out from when my mom showed me the most horrible thing (i'll get back to you on that.) I planned that after Amy & Jenn lauren would come and i'd go to the next plan... Anything to stay away from home i figured. So that worked and i hung with lauren, debra, and katie. Lauren had her Hooka and some nice flavors so i figured i'd dive into something to calm me, which i did. But on the side of this i was tying two plans together into one. Gianina wanted to hang out and so did taylor. One thread and i had their plans together. Then later on wade would come out with Tommy D and i'd keep Taylor (and gianina if she wanted) and wait for them. Then they'd meet up. But before all of that i was laying in the living room with the hooka and at the same time awaiting for gianina. But i figured that if i were to be able to make the call to gianina in the wooden area of laurens then so would Gianina. I was going on a gut feeling with this one cause quite frankly, all of my mind was taken up by this huge blow of news. It was stupid, i never trust my gut..and i'll tell you why.. Cause i won't always be right. It was foolish because i usually think when im sewing these plans together (what to do and not to do, etc etc). But it ended up that gianina's phone didn't work in the area so she kept driving around or something for 20-30 minutes. It's not my fault totally. At the moment when she was trying to get me by beeping and driving i was completely void of thoughts other then the ones that were related to my dad, cheating, my attempted suicide, betrayal, and a shitload of other negative thoughts and i was just waiting and relying on her phone working and her phone call announcement of her arrival. None of that happened and she ended up getting mad at me. My plans of hanging with her and taylor were moot due to my stupidity. She dropped me off home, i deserve it i guess. That is a big waste of gas. But it ended up her just driving me home when i didn't want it to be that. I wanted to get my mind off of all of this with them. i could've easily just have stood at laurens and saved the wasted gas that just ended up driving me home. I dont know what im talking about anymore with this. i can't think straight
One last thing before i end this. The thing i mentioned earlier was when i walked inside to get money and was approached by my mom, sad and all. She was upset and mad at my dad. To the point where she revealed the worst thing to me:
1. Photo evidence of him with another woman
2.They're splitting up / she's leaving the house.
The two of those things revealed was two of the worst things i've seen and heard in a long time, since like mike's death. But the picture was one of the worst. In it he had the same smile that'd i would see if the picture had my mom next to him instead of some tramp. That smile. It burnt into my eyes. Same smile he'd put on for us he'd been putting on for someone else. Fucking-a. What a world.
i don't know what to do anymore. i say that a lot. i say that too much, you know what i just bitch bitch bitch on this! Must get really boring to read the same thing over and over agian. i set up some pins for summer and fall. lets see what i got to knock them down.
Starting to think im not human anymore. i know that sounds strange and unlikely but with the deteriorated mentality i can't help myself from making these weird assumptions. It all started with that massive headache i had when i was little. In the city... i remember it clearly. Being so young. with my parents and BOOM! biggest pain i'd had ever felt in my whole early life, first big pain ever. It was almost debilitating, my parents carrying me around like wounded solider. They said it was probably a normal headache. But it didn't feel like one at all. And if i recall correctly thats when i start developing things to do in my head to keep myself busy. Creating people inside to talk to, "programs" to make sure i was doing whatever i had to do at that young age right, GOD ISN'T IT GREAT! maybe everyone does that, or maybe im just strange enough to be the only one. Im probably not even describing it right, i never have been able to. Not to any of my shrinks. The aftermath of that ache continues to grow. They can't even find any abnormalities in those scans they give me. Maybe i oughta to get a new one soon or something. Just to check it out. I mean i think i can trace back everything i do now to that incident. It was a big part of my life. I mean right next to the Hospital...but that was so many years later. And what if that incident caused me to get the way i was, bad enough to be checked into a Ward. God knows! ILL NEVER EVER KNOW AND IT EATS ME UP! GREAT GREAT! Another unanswered question.
I always wonder what happened to you erin...if that is your name. You see i forgot your real name after months of trying to forget who you were and how i met you and where i met you and how things ended against my will and in the hands of some sleepy pills and some crafty nurses. But i wonder if you ever found a guy to trust forever. It sucks that i was only 16 when i met you and you were 20. It sucks that we loved kissing so much that it displeased the nurse staff to dope us up with us unbeknownst of it. It sucks that men were scummy to you. It sucks that i was the only guy you trusted in 10 years and i had to be taken away and erased like that. IT FUCKING SUCKS! I'll never know you again. BUT you know what really sucks? The fact that i'll probably bump into on the street and not even know its you. Or you might drive past me in your car and maybe recognize me and i'll never know. How cruel of a fate have we've been cursed with. If anyone want to know what pain really is just ask me. If only you able to walk into the fallout shelter of my arms, i would've taken all the radiation for you...
now now thomas..lest we dwell on the past..
God it's days like this that make me realized that i am alive. You know i feel so dead sometimes that it takes days like me to shock some life into me. Even though i wasn't on the same level as amy, danielle, or gianina i felt a connection that we were all looking through different spectrum. Today was very profound. Great talked scattered between brilliant walks and discoveries. Even though i've seen the grounds we walked before i felt like everything was new for some reason. Well we did venture into the nooks of david welds and beyond.
But the best part, hands down, was watching the sun slowly slip out of sight. God, beauty in motion. I never seen a sun set, ever. I never sat down to watch it, but really watch it. Like i saw it literally sink down past this lighthouse. I know everyone's probably seen this before but i haven't. I kind of feel like missed out on a big part of life and slowly am discovering stuff. Stuff that had been already by normal people or just other people. Anyways, that sun set was amazing stuff.
i never know how to reflect upon a day through a livejournal update. All that is needed to be said is this day was needed, this day was enjoyed.
I couldn't help to think on how many cops i saw tonight. We drove into so many towns and no matter where we went there was a cop. I don't know it might've been normal but it just made me think and kind of realize that things around here are going to change. I heard that heroin is becoming a problem around here, the rate of arrests due to it have increased. I remember when i first started smoking they used to call this town the pharmacy, which for what i thought they ment that you could get weed or something light like that whenever. But as time progressed i feel like the people who called it the pharmacy got worse and did worse stuff, thus now we have stuff like heroin. I don't know i can see Saint James or Smithtown, heck even Suffolk, turning into a town like Mastic. Stores closed, crime up, drugs up, blood flowing.
Hopefully i'll be out here by then, and my folks too. And any other good hearted folk around here. I would hate for them to get tainted. I can feel the poisin flowing around these street. I saw it in the Juniors, some of them were as cold as corpses. I felt like our graduating class was the last good one, even though some of the people in them are scumbags i felt like we together had more personality and soul then any of the rest. I don't know maybe it's just a feeling i hold due to my hate for alot of people.
ahhhh forget it..
I'm really excited. My friend and I are making a blog soon, cannot say what the topic is about. But i'll be using my writing skils and she'll be using her superb drawing skills. It's going to be grand!
I think you're four years old now journal. I haven't changed much and i know lately i've been neglecting you. But i have to be honest with you, words don't just simply flow from my head to my fingers anymore. I know that's a bad thing and now im just wasting bandwidth on LJ but it's good for me to keep you. In case i hit my head extra hard one of these days and break the dam thats holding my thought from my fingers, y'know? I've used you forever, i mean from ten grade and the mather years everything seems like forever. I snuck onto you so many times to filter my mind during high school. Gotten in trouble in sake of you. And i think it's worth it. I used to think that no one read you. But lately i bhave a feeling some people read you. Is that wrong to want that? I mean i know it's a journal but it's online and you can have friends. So basically i'm supposed to expose myself in front of people..blahblahblah. I don't know why i abandon proper writing skills when i write you. Punctuation and such. But you know what? I don't give a fuck if my entries are hard to read. it's how my mind flows, in streams. Unabiding to proper protocal. To spacing and period, commas and quotations. If i were to stop my flow to add those in then i'd forget what i was doing, the flow would cease. I couldn't let that happen in my earlier times and nowadays i'm soo scatterbrained that if stop i'd get a clot or something. Which lately a clot doesn't sound so bad. Might end up liking the result. no no no no no no no, nevermind that. Gotta stay alive, i know deep down inside i have purpose, i just hope it doesn't have an expiration mark on it.
Tom (not Thom)
wake up at 1pm
go into the living room
grab dads laptop (because mine is getting repaired)
bring it to the love seat
plug it into the outlet behind the love seat
go into kitchen and grab some grubs
bring it to love seat & place on lamp table
bring them back to love seat
turn on television
turn on cable box
sit down with both remotes
place them on the lamp table
pick up laptop & place on lap
Log onto AIM
Remark on why i even bother
Thats been my life for quite a long time, rather sad isn't it?
I need some change in my life. I thought i needed religion, some guidence. And that failed. Tried to get some new friends, but those people didn't understand where i was going.
Everything seems so demoralizing lately. I feel like if this continues that i'll just end up a bum or something. I want to leave Long Island but i know it's too late. I know it won't be an automatic sucess. That if i am like this on Long Island then im god damn likely to be like this anywhere else. I need a change i need an vision i need hope. I have more blood in my body than hope and i fuckin hate it.