|I dont feel and it feels great I sold my atlas by the freight stairs I do lines and I crossed roads
||[Jun. 13th, 2009|04:13 am]
|[||Where am I?
|[||My current emotional mode is set to:
|||||s catterr ed||]|
|[||The tunes playing throughout my head
|||||Modest Mouse, Pink Floyd||]|
NOTE: THIS IS UPDATE IS HALF OF A OLD RANT & HALF RANT I HAD WHEN I GOT ON HERE. IT'S LONG AND PROBABLY WON'T MAKE ANY SENSE BUT IT DID TO ME AND GAVE ME RELIEF.
sometimes i just wonder how we even came to exist? is this whole existence just one big test?
How could something so big, with so many living entities, and just be there floating in an endless
sea of seemingly nothing? why do some people think they are so powerful? do they not know that under whatever title they hold they are just skin, muscles, and bone? And beyond there title in the grand scheme of the universe they nothing but a speck of dust sitting on top of an inch? With all of us locked up in the same circular cage, how did get so far to create a strict rule list that is solely based on our own logic? how can we all just easily stab a knife into each others back and walk away like all we did was hang out coat up? how did murder become so easy? what, during the duration of our growth, set us up to be ready and able to betray one another? was it mother or father that set it in stone that it was okay? or was it both? or was it just a lesson taught by our times? how did what we spent countless amount of hours sitting in cheap plastic chairs learning about become the stepping stones for our intellectual growth? where did all the power our teacher had come from? when was it right for them to gain the ability to cast away those who learn differently? to classify them under certain light? to separate and divide? how did this all come to be? when did this all come to be seen as right? just? correct? when will my final heartbeat be? what will be the cause of it? will it be nukes? will it be us? will it be them? will it be drowning in our own oceans? will it...
This was in my drafts so i'm going to just write on the "back" of it. Right now i have returned from a night that was amazingly profound. If one thing hurts right now it's my fuckin jaw from just talking so endlessly, clenched from the rapid fire motion. But with every muscle worked the feedback gained from all that made it all the worth it. Tonight was the first night in a series of seriously needed & important nights. Our group together are so tight knit that we can almost sense everything (for certain combination's of people). If that doesn't speak loud enough volumes of brotherhood and loyalty then i don't want to know what does. I want to speak about brotherhood & loyalty for a second: For what was once a brotherhood between the westies and I is truly missed. I regret my retraction from the daily grind of hangouts. With each time i chose to stay home (sheltering myself subconsciously on purpose) and talk to danielle was another inch on the rule measuring me away from the likings of them. It wasn't that i didn't like them anymore but the only thing that kept us together, and i realized this too late, was my consistency to get to Jimmy or Tom's house friday after to spend the remainder of the day&night with them was what helped (poorly, if i might say in retrospect) bridge the distance between East & West. Maybe it was the temporary bliss or culture shock (used to being single -> Dating) that helped ease the distance. But like any pain reliever it can only relieve so much before wearing off, and that's when you are in the worst pain. After dropping from the loving arms of relationships i found myself having to double myself. Which shotly describes my Tom/Thom theory. In a shoddy attempt to fight and/or prevent denial Thom was created. Thom was a Red shirt @ AMC and had a girlfriend whom was thought to be the "bee's knees". Underneath the cement roads ravaging the dirt root roads of Tom, was Tom himself. Buried beneath the debris that Thom so careless sends rocketing everywhere. Till recently Tom has been climbing the momentous colossus Thom's faux royal armor in attempt to overthrow him via killing. But for Tom to kill Thom he'd have to hurt himself in one way or another, weather that be mentally or physically. It's gets all foggy cause I am both of them, I don't think I'm that bad to be considered clinically anything other than the already confirmed ADHD/ADD & Depression. But i honestly feel like my body is going through a civil war. Man v. Himself, would be the theme for my life lately. But this civil war run so much deeper than leaving danielle and what it's positive effects dampening the minuscule negatives, this civil war goes even more deeper in my psyche. It's an uprising of happiness against the oppressive depression, something that is a bigger thing that could be preconceived. They gave me so many pills to take in so many wrong combination and ways, they were basically giving the tools to a leaderless nation or faction. This uprising needed summer, it needed the warmth of what was here way before me and way after me to aid it, nay, to maybe co-lead the revolution itself. If anything (and this might throw you of what little track im giving you right now but..) I was always destined to lead this uprising myself. I just needed some extra morale. Enter left wing: SUMMMER. It's always been there though. As known summer alters our environment (duh) severely compared to winter (double duh). So if summer is just a change in my environment and this battle has been fought for so long that it was just me failing to really notice my surroundings. I cannot recall when i had this epiphany-esque but i know it has no telltale trademarks of a "frozen over" Puddle Town Tom, and double plus so (haha) lest that mean that could ever be realized from Thom coated in his thick delirious malaise. I digress... Summer, environment, visions of my life problems as battle... okay so fighting so much through the continuous and inevitable cycle of seasons blind to the fact that snow, leaf, and heat are just so simply factors of the corresponding seasons but attributes that can very well contribute to the overall mentality of me in whatever season. Some examples: Winter is tightly packed with depression. It comes in a fucking prepackaged bundle. And i know very well that winter does this to a lot to people i know and i know are smart enough to have real breathing emotions to be intangibly and unintentionally manipulated at the same time. But winter to me is a bittersweet season to me, it's almost undecipherable to me with the plethora of results it tosses me. But i can tell you what little i managed to decrypt: It starts off nice. I'm unsure now if the feeling is still the same or a desperate plee for yesteryear's return, but i get intensely jolly. It gets hard to match the caliber of glee the birth or beginning of winter brings me. Starts me off by stuffing me with food(more than i'd averagely eat). Keeping me plump (or to my bodies best effort) for warmth in the winter. nestled inside these devoured treats is the key to the holiday equation "anticipation". Anticipation for John and Jane doe's respective religious day of observance or celebration. I do the christmas thing. Now knowing that it (christmas) has been reformatted to fit the teen->adult jump, i still look forward to what little i receive now. But as soon as you get really hit with holiday cheer it's closer and closer and finally passing. Besides santa not being real the nihilistic outlook that "only the days leading up to big day are the best, cause when it comes you have X amount of time to enjoy it before you are only reminiscing." And when that reality comes true (as it does yearly) thats when the temporary power up of holiday cheer falls down it's trapdoor for the rest of the winter(&year). This can be an easy transition for some, but to others like me (make that seem weak or whatever) it's a hard one. Bringing back the battle visions thing. Winter alone, without support, is an inevitable lose for me. And even me living through it without support does not vow well for whatever is gained or taken out of that depressive period. I can beat the odds when i need to but to be honest i can't do that to much. I mean the time between winters is enough to send some jolts through my thawing body but only for so long before the clock resets and winters pokes it's perplexing face in. But to bring up modern day with my modern day newfound additional strength and source of happiness (with it's also new positive minded Tom mindset), i think i can survive just a little bit better. If things continue to work like this or within this range of greatness then I'm goddamn set for now on the life front. Out of this proclamation only bares the callused wounds upon my body proudly, in hope&promise. Okay im done with this theory stuff, I really just have to say that what im in right now & with the help of friends and someone important i might actually confess on lovin life. I love you. I'm gunna goto sleep and end this rant.